she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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