Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
