I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize