The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
