Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
