I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You ruined the universe
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
