we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
