HIV tests are more positive than that guy
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
