After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
