everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well I just put wine in my tea
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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