You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
