she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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