I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
