if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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