First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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