I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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