I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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