Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
