I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
