Screwed.edu
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
