Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
