I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
