I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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