I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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