I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
