At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
