I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
