take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
