I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
