started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
