she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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