I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
where does the pee come out of this thing
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
