my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize