i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
