i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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