I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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