never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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