I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
