So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
