Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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