Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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