you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
