before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
