U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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