Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
