It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
