I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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