There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
