Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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