I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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