i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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