im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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