yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
