dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
