at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am spending my child support on dildos
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
