So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
